Spring is here!

We have been having some wonderful weather,, but today it is grey and cold. Winter is trying to get back in the door.. but we have many wonderful days ahead as we move into April. The flowers and trees are blooming and there will be so many more!

I really believe that the Lord is doing a new thing like He promised. I sense it in my life and see glimpses of new things all around me. It is a year of change. As long as I keep my eyes on the Lord, I can accept more change rather than be fearful. Admittedly with all the losses in my life there are times when I am afraid that the next thing that happens will be too hard for me.. at the same time, I realize it has all been too difficult and I never would have been able to survive the things that have happened if it were not for our Great God!

Right now I am feeling hopeful.. sensing that He has more for me than only loss and grief.. Yes it will come around again.. but that is not all there is. He is the redeemer and I am asking Him to redeem the years the locusts have eaten.. The scripture this comes from is Joel 2:25-27

“I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten— the great locust and the young locust, the other locusts and the locust swarm— my great army that I sent among you. You will have plenty to eat, until you are full, and you will praise the name of the LORD your God, who has worked wonders for you; never again will my people be shamed. Then you will know that I am in Israel, that I am the LORD your God, and that there is no other; never again will my people be shamed.“

This scripture inspired a song that a friend wrote for my wedding in 2002. It was perfect! Steve and I were both eager for a new season after much disappointment and loss earlier in our lives.. the Lord delivered exactly what He promised. Then He took Steve home.. way too soon.

So now I hear those words again…. is that possible? Will He come for me again and bring new blessings that are unexpected ? Does He have more for me.. I am choosing to believe that the answer to that question is yes! We are His beloved and we are never forgotten.. He will come for us over and over.. He knows us and He has good things for us!

He makes all things new!

I meant to write more on my blog this year, but somehow January and February are both over.. time is going by quickly. Spring is almost here.. I look forward to this time of year.. He makes all things new! The cold wet weather that we are experiencing here will leave.. the trees and the daffodils are blooming.. so beautiful.. such a reminder of His amazing creation.

I am continue to look to the Lord.. to lean into Him as He puts the pieces of my life together. There are times when I look back and I feel as though a bomb was dropped and everything shattered. It has been almost 10 years since the very beginning of dementia began to show up in Steve’s life.. sneaking in without giving us any notice.. the signs were very subtle but began to be more obvious over the next couple years and even more clear as each year passed. The bomb dropped in 2018 when we got the diagnosis.. the disease had already progressed quite rapidly. Then in 2019 he had to be hospitalized and once in skilled nursing, he made it to August 2020. We are approaching 4 years since he went to be with the Lord. I continue to look for the scattered pieces of my heart and plead with the Lord to heal and restore it.. will I ever be the same? No.. but maybe the new thing He is doing will be better than I could ever imagine.

Suffering and grief are tools that the Lord uses to do deep work in us. All my dreams are gone, they all included Steve.. all my self reliance is gone.. “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength”. All my pride is being chipped away.. I don’t recognize my life.. so much is gone. But lately I am realizing that nothing that truly matters can be taken from me. I am reminded of an old Keith Green song..

“Turn your eyes upon Jesus and look full in His wonderful face, the things of the world will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and Grace”

I wonder if you remember it? Keith was a prophet who died young and left an amazing legacy of music.. I need to listen to it more often. I want that to be my song for this season.. looking deeply into the heart of God and being changed.. releasing all the things of this world that are distractions.. instead being transformed by the Holy Spirit into His handiwork. Let it be so Lord!

Welcome 2024

So did I finish well? Yes I did, the Lord has been good. Lots of healing and letting go.. in fact it is still continuing into 2024. With God we are never really finished.. He is always working.. showing us new things and drawing us deeper and closer to His heart. I am grateful that I can see movement.. that is really all I look for. Am I responding to His spirit? One indication to me is that the trials get more challenging as He teaches me to trust Him.. I used to think if I was only walking with Him in more obedience it would get easier.. That idea is not in the Bible .. in fact the opposite is true. As God’s people move toward Him, the suffering increases .. the tests are more difficult. Biblically it makes sense that the enemy wants to stop us as he sees us growing in our faith.

At the same time we see God at work in big ways. For me it is so encouraging to see my prayers answered so quickly and to feel a sense of His presence in my every day life.. in a new way.. Intimacy with Jesus is the key to all of this.. inviting Him into everything.. to hear His voice..and to sense His pleasure when I trust Him. Our God is amazing.

So Lord.. my hope is in you as this year unfolds. (I don’t make new years resolutions or anything like that)  guide me day by day and step by step..Give me a grateful heart that recognizes your hand in all that I do and say.. Guard my heart and help me speak the truth in love.

Finishing Well

I chose this title because we are nearing the end of 2023 and I really want to finish well. I define that this way.. I want to be able to accept everything the way it is right now and not continually long for what is gone.. to let go of the past without forgetting it.

I pray about this continually.. praying for healing and restoration. In order to receive that healing it requires letting go of those things which cannot change and being able to live more fully in the present . It is very challenging.. the past holds all the memories of Steve and I..and all the memories of the days when I was younger and stronger. There are many broken dreams that need to stay in the past so I don’t dwell on what is never going to happen here. The Lord is enabling me to to remember without longing for those days to return. He is also helping me let go of my younger self so I can be more present in this older body and accept the changes.

As we approach the end of this year.. I am taking inventory. What am I clinging to that I don’t want to take into 2024.. is there grief and loss that I can live with more easily now? Can I embrace this new beginning that I never wanted or asked for? If not then I will live in continual disappointment.. longing for what is gone. These are the questions that surface for me and that I will be pondering and give to the Lord.

Father.. help me end this year with you.. letting go of the hurtful things in the past.. checking to be sure I don’t have unforgiveness or self pity that I am clinging to. My desire is to embrace this season that I am currently living in.. it is not perfect.. but the past was not either. I want to live fully in this last season of my life.. treasuring the days that are left.. praying for opportunities to use my gifts and my story to help others.. Amen

“Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.“

“I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

New Season..

Spring is really here. It is a beautiful spring day where I live. The sun is shining and the flowers are blooming. I am grateful for the beauty of this season. It is so comforting to realize that Spring will come every year even if we still feel like we are in a winter season.. that would be me. The grieving season does not end when Spring starts.. but the colors of the flowers and the bright blue sky give me hope. I am thankful I can begin to enjoy things.. little by little.

There are many dark days and nights for me.. I miss my husband every single day but there are also glimmers of hope. Days when I feel like maybe I really do have a future.. when I may actually have a new life that brings me joy and happiness. God has given us His creation and seasons that enable us to feel a certain security in these insecure times.. The beauty of the earth is timeless.. the seasons are never late. He is still on His throne even in the chaos of this broken world and in the sadness of our lives.

This season of my life has been very difficult and I am learning more and more on the everlasting arms. He is my rock and my security. Standing on His promises is the only safe place right now. My hope is in Him.. He is the same .. yesterday, today and tomorrow. He is our protector and our provider. His ways are not ours.. We are His people.. the sheep of His pasture.. He is our Shepherd we have all that we need.

I pray that the Lord is revealing His love for you daily.. that you are resting in Him and that you find the green pastures and quiet streams .. the places where He can minister to you and restore you.

Psalm 23

¹ The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
²     He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
³     he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
    for his name’s sake.
⁴ Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,^[a]
I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

⁵ You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
⁶ Surely your goodness and love will follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever.

All things

Welcome to my blog.. actually it is not a new blog at all.. I have been writing on this blog for 12 years..but this is the first post of 2022. I never imagined that I would continue to write on it when I started.. in fact I did not know the first thing about blogging. There have been so many times when I felt like giving it up and then suddenly I see that people are still reading it and I remember a promise I made to the Lord. If I am doing something that He has given me to do and it helps even one person.. I will continue to do it.

The title of this post comes from 2 different scriptures that continue to go through my mind. They are connected, but I never saw that until today. The first is Romans 8:28.. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. I learned to lean on this passage over 40 years ago as a new Believer.. reminding myself of His goodness . The second passage is from Isaiah 43.. “Remember not the former things ,nor consider the things of old. Behold I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?”

Do you see the connection? He has promised to work all things together for our good.. that means everything all the time. And He is doing a new thing.. which is exactly what happens. When we walk through trials we are being shaped and refined by the suffering. We can cling to his promise to bring good out of it.. even when it looks hopeless.. and all we do is hurt and question, because He will do something new in us and through us as He has promised.

I am writing this after one of the most difficult years of my life. My husband died in 2020 and I was in deep grief when 2021 started.. I fell on New Years day and that began a year of physical pain that was worse than anything I had ever experienced.. I am much better, but still recovering. The grief is no longer fresh but there are many days when I wish Steve was here and I feel very lonely and sad. God is beginning to renew my hope and helping me to trust that He will bring good out of all of this and I can sense Him doing new things in my life as I rest and recover. These promises are coming to life right in front of me. If anyone had told me that He was going to use this for His glory a year ago I doubt I could have heard that. If anyone had told me that He was going to use my 5 year journey, with Steve suffering from early onset dementia and eventually dying at 65..during Covid,.. for good, I would not have heard it.

Today I am able to see it and believe it and know it. Because of His grace I never walked away or gave up and because of His grace I see a glimpse of the good He is doing in the midst of this.. I share this in the hope that you too will hang on to our anchor.. to Jesus our rescuer and the lover of our souls. He will come for you.. I can promise you that.

I have missed writing to you.. I truly pray this year is unfolding in a promising way for you.

“I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you.“

( Jeremiah 31)

Almost a year

Monday will be the 1st anniversary of my husband’s passing into eternity. In some ways it seems like it happened yesterday and in other ways it feels like a lifetime ago. The Lord has me set aside by a back injury.. I spend almost all my time alone. I would never have signed up for this season.. I loved my life with Steve before he got sick. We enjoyed each other’s company and I felt loved every single day.. I know he did too.

Without him, I feel homeless.. he was “home” to me. I lost the place we were living in and the things we both enjoyed.. that was hard, but it was stuff.. and none of that matters anymore…without him. I am learning to live on my own for the first time.. realizing the presence of God more and more. He has me set aside and He is healing some deep wounds that needed attention. He is teaching me to turn to him since there is no one I can lean on.. I have wonderful friends and family, but no one is able to truly understand my feelings and sorrows. That is truly how it is for most of us, but we find ways to fill up our time so the grief we and wounds we have inside never come to the surface..

It takes time away from other people and activities to truly get in touch with ourselves.. lots of time. This time for me is a time of reflection and growth. A time to look at my relationships with others and with myself.. I see that I needed that time and the Lord has given it to me… He is doing a deep work and it is often painful.. No one wants to suffer, but I am more and more convinced that it is in the suffering that we see His face and He is able to heal us. He loves us so much that He will allow these hard seasons to show us just how real He is and how much we need Him.. We can claim to need Him and love Him but it is only in the ” valley” that we experience that love coming from Him and find that He is there for us in impossible situations.. I am so thankful for that reality.

“For He wounds, but He also binds up, He injures, but His hands also heal”

Dreaming God’s way..

It was hard finding a title for this post. Dreaming is very important in the kingdom of God. He gives us the capacity to dream and imagine. But dreaming our own dreams and letting God give us dreams.. these are two different things. The reason I am writing about this today is because the Lord is dealing with some big issues in me that have to do with dreaming. For most of my life, I have let dreams be a way of escaping pain and suffering. It started in childhood. I was very unhappy with my family and there were many reasons why. I am not going to go into it here, but I needed a way out.. so I dreamed of this perfect life.. a perfect family. One very different from my own.

Unfortunately the path I took to get that perfect life failed. I had relationships with men that were unhealthy and eventually ended up marrying an abusive addict.. but when he passed away.. the dream of a better life was still alive and I married Steve. He was a wonderful man and I had many of the things in my life that I thought were lost forever. If you have been following my blog, then you know that Steve also passed away.. last summer. I lost everything when he got sick and I no longer had that wonderful life that I cherished. It was not a perfect life and for most of our marriage we had financial problems .. there was no real stability.. so I filled my head with dreams of the day when I would get that last piece and live happily every after. Instead Steve became ill with dementia and things became more and more difficult.

Now that he is gone, I am alone and sure enough.. the old dreams came back.. dreaming of another chance to have that life that would be close to perfect.. funny how that could sneak in even at my age! This time, the Lord has stopped me from dreaming.. Now, that doesn’t mean that I won’t get another chance.. it just means that He is teaching me to be in the pain and suffering without trying to escape through dreaming. He is helping me to live in the present and be content with not knowing what the future holds. I believe that this is how He is teaching me to rely more deeply on Him. My old dreams are gone but He can give me new ones when it is time and more importantly He is enabling me to believe that everything He has prepared for me is going to be better than my dreams.. It is actually very freeing not to be dreaming and to realize that this season is teaching me so much about our Great God.

I have always loved this scripture.. but finally I feel as though I truly understand it

Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you your heart’s desires.

The Rabbit Hole

The title of this post is drawn from a picture that I saw in my head about grief. Of course it is related to Alice In Wonderland. After googling rabbit hole and grief I came across a movie made in 2010 called “Rabbit Hole”. I never saw the movie but I know it is about a couple who lose a child and the grief they experienced after the loss.. it sounds almost too sad for me right now.

The reason for rabbit hole is that after Alice fell down the hole, she was in a different world and that is the experience of grief. When you lose someone close to you, your world totally changes and it is surreal. People you know go about their business as though nothing has happened. I almost want to stop them and say ” don’t you realize everything is different now?”. Then I remember it is not for them.. only for me. I am in a world that I don’t recognize because my husband is with the Lord now. At the same time, the world itself turned upside down several times.. last March and actually yesterday was a day like none other.

Back to the world of grief.. I often wake up and wonder where I am.. I moved 3 times in just a little over a year and most of the things I looked at and used for 18 years are gone.. I have days when I wonder if I could find them all.. a strange thought since many of them are in Idaho and lots of things are here in different homes of friends and family and some went to strangers through the Goodwill store.. My world turned upside down three times and then Steve passed 4 months ago and my life disappeared.. the life where I spent every day for years looking out for him and taking care of him .

So I have fallen into the rabbit hole and I continually find myself wondering where I am.. It is easy during a grieving season like this to feel lost or crazy .. or just totally different from other people. All of these things are true.. except that I am not crazy.. I am grieving deeply and fully.. Trying to make sense of a world that makes no sense.. trying to feel at home.. when home to me was my husband.. anywhere he was.. that felt like home.

Covid could be making your feel like you fell down that same hole. Maybe you are grieving things that are no longer possible.. For some of us, yesterday was a trigger too.. what happened to the country we grew up in? Is everything out of control? A very challenging time to be alive.. in so many ways. So.. you are not crazy if you feel scared or depressed or disoriented right now.. You are just a human trying to cope with a very broken world where loss is a big part of life.. You will land on your feel and so will I. Our God will come for us in the middle of the mess and rescue us from the heartbreak we may be feeling now. He is for us and with us.

He has prepared a place for us… better than our wildest dreams.

“Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God.  He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

Beginning

The very beginning of 2021 is finally here. We are still in the first week.. before you know it we will be well into 2021 and it will no longer be a new year.. it doesn’t take long to get used to things. New things become old in a very short amount of time. I started out this year with a bang..literally. I was out walking with a friend and ended up tripping on an uneven sidewalk and before I knew it my forehead was bleeding everywhere and my friend and landlords were all trying to help me .. I was surrounded by very caring people. Late into the afternoon I went to the ER.. got stitches, x-rays and a tetanus shot. I am currently struggling with bruising, scrapes and muscle pain.

The good news is I did not break anything ..no bones.. teeth or glasses. I am so grateful it was not worse. So here I am wondering how to look at this fall. Will 2021 be a terrible year? I hope not.. I’ve decided to look for the deeper reason for this fall. I always look for meaning and for God’s purposes.. I don’t always find them but I always search. It is easy to see that He is slowing me down.. giving me a reason to stay home and rest and reflect. In the last few days I realized the need for that rest.. not just because I hurt everywhere but because I have been running non stop since my husband started showing signs of dementia. In the skilled nursing the people always say that it is a marathon not a sprint. Dementia can last many years and unfold day after day.. at whatever pace it chooses.

I recently realized that Steve showed some major signs early one that I did not recognize. The earliest sign was probably 7 years ago.. the more obvious changes began 4 to 5 years ago. So I ran the race with him all that time until 4 months ago and in reality I have not been eager to slow down and remember all that has happened. One thing I do know is that I need to do that.. to grieve fully.. I need to remember and reflect.. to really look at my story and to realize how much I have been through. So I am doing that.. writing this is part of my therapy. I will also be working with a Hospice Grief Counselor to get the support I need. This will enable the past to go into the past and bring me to a greater level of acceptance.

God..the healer wants my attention and He has it. I am learning to receive help.. I am allowing myself time to be here now and break the habit of always trying to move ahead ..My future is a blank slate and I know from the other time I was widowed that the Lord has brought me to that place so He can lead me at His pace and I can rest in His sovereignty.

As for you.. my hope is that you did not start 2021 in such a dramatic way but that you too will take the time to reflect on all the losses and disappointments we all faced in 2020. There may be more in 2021, but we will handle those better if we take the time to realize what has happened and let the Lord comfort us and heal us.

Our God is faithful in all things.. at all times.. He never changes and we can trust Him in all circumstances.