The Rabbit Hole

The title of this post is drawn from a picture that I saw in my head about grief. Of course it is related to Alice In Wonderland. After googling rabbit hole and grief I came across a movie made in 2010 called “Rabbit Hole”. I never saw the movie but I know it is about a couple who lose a child and the grief they experienced after the loss.. it sounds almost too sad for me right now.

The reason for rabbit hole is that after Alice fell down the hole, she was in a different world and that is the experience of grief. When you lose someone close to you, your world totally changes and it is surreal. People you know go about their business as though nothing has happened. I almost want to stop them and say ” don’t you realize everything is different now?”. Then I remember it is not for them.. only for me. I am in a world that I don’t recognize because my husband is with the Lord now. At the same time, the world itself turned upside down several times.. last March and actually yesterday was a day like none other.

Back to the world of grief.. I often wake up and wonder where I am.. I moved 3 times in just a little over a year and most of the things I looked at and used for 18 years are gone.. I have days when I wonder if I could find them all.. a strange thought since many of them are in Idaho and lots of things are here in different homes of friends and family and some went to strangers through the Goodwill store.. My world turned upside down three times and then Steve passed 4 months ago and my life disappeared.. the life where I spent every day for years looking out for him and taking care of him .

So I have fallen into the rabbit hole and I continually find myself wondering where I am.. It is easy during a grieving season like this to feel lost or crazy .. or just totally different from other people. All of these things are true.. except that I am not crazy.. I am grieving deeply and fully.. Trying to make sense of a world that makes no sense.. trying to feel at home.. when home to me was my husband.. anywhere he was.. that felt like home.

Covid could be making your feel like you fell down that same hole. Maybe you are grieving things that are no longer possible.. For some of us, yesterday was a trigger too.. what happened to the country we grew up in? Is everything out of control? A very challenging time to be alive.. in so many ways. So.. you are not crazy if you feel scared or depressed or disoriented right now.. You are just a human trying to cope with a very broken world where loss is a big part of life.. You will land on your feel and so will I. Our God will come for us in the middle of the mess and rescue us from the heartbreak we may be feeling now. He is for us and with us.

He has prepared a place for us… better than our wildest dreams.

“Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God.  He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

Isolation

Yes..that word is powerful..the things that happen in that space are deep and profound. For the last several years the Lord has been working through a lot of isolation..at first when I began to experience it..I was frustrated and bored..wanting more contact with people..more activities..more life..

Strangely it seemed impossible to have a “real” life if I felt alone and isolated..As things have unfolded the isolation has become much more normal..but incredibly difficult. The last 6 months have been a major challenge..my life with Steve is gone and I am in my 3rd living situation where there is a family on the other side of the walls..Does that make the isolation worse? Of course..and now I can’t go see people at all..unless we talk from a distance and we are supposed to restrict our driving to essential things..my emotional health is not great..I am grieving the loss of my husband (he is still alive but in skilled nursing) the loss of our life together..our home..all the things we collected over the years..my work..the death of so many dreams.

Things are hard..but I still have my health and I still have hope..Hope in the Lord and His goodness. The time alone is hard but needed..grieving takes time..it requires all of our strength and energy..it refuses to wait..demanding our attention..it has no timeline..no deadline. Grieving is hard work..if we ignore our grief it will not go away..it just hides inside of us and one day it will emerge and try to destroy us.

Yet grief is not our enemy..if is ordained by God to bring healing and restoration..He works in these seasons of loss and grief..unearthing old grief that we forgot we had. He takes our hand and walks us through the pain so we can begin to heal..He reveals His love to us in our helplessness..we turn to Him because there is no place else to go.

Right now the entire world is grieving ..many of us are grieving on all kinds of levels..people are losing loved ones..jobs..friends..money..we have lost our freedom to go places and do things. Make time to sit with your grief to feel all your feelings..even the ones you wish were gone..be real with yourself and others.

Lord we trust you in the middle of all this ..we believe you are at work and that you are good.