Spring is here!

We have been having some wonderful weather,, but today it is grey and cold. Winter is trying to get back in the door.. but we have many wonderful days ahead as we move into April. The flowers and trees are blooming and there will be so many more!

I really believe that the Lord is doing a new thing like He promised. I sense it in my life and see glimpses of new things all around me. It is a year of change. As long as I keep my eyes on the Lord, I can accept more change rather than be fearful. Admittedly with all the losses in my life there are times when I am afraid that the next thing that happens will be too hard for me.. at the same time, I realize it has all been too difficult and I never would have been able to survive the things that have happened if it were not for our Great God!

Right now I am feeling hopeful.. sensing that He has more for me than only loss and grief.. Yes it will come around again.. but that is not all there is. He is the redeemer and I am asking Him to redeem the years the locusts have eaten.. The scripture this comes from is Joel 2:25-27

“I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten— the great locust and the young locust, the other locusts and the locust swarm— my great army that I sent among you. You will have plenty to eat, until you are full, and you will praise the name of the LORD your God, who has worked wonders for you; never again will my people be shamed. Then you will know that I am in Israel, that I am the LORD your God, and that there is no other; never again will my people be shamed.“

This scripture inspired a song that a friend wrote for my wedding in 2002. It was perfect! Steve and I were both eager for a new season after much disappointment and loss earlier in our lives.. the Lord delivered exactly what He promised. Then He took Steve home.. way too soon.

So now I hear those words again…. is that possible? Will He come for me again and bring new blessings that are unexpected ? Does He have more for me.. I am choosing to believe that the answer to that question is yes! We are His beloved and we are never forgotten.. He will come for us over and over.. He knows us and He has good things for us!

He makes all things new!

I meant to write more on my blog this year, but somehow January and February are both over.. time is going by quickly. Spring is almost here.. I look forward to this time of year.. He makes all things new! The cold wet weather that we are experiencing here will leave.. the trees and the daffodils are blooming.. so beautiful.. such a reminder of His amazing creation.

I am continue to look to the Lord.. to lean into Him as He puts the pieces of my life together. There are times when I look back and I feel as though a bomb was dropped and everything shattered. It has been almost 10 years since the very beginning of dementia began to show up in Steve’s life.. sneaking in without giving us any notice.. the signs were very subtle but began to be more obvious over the next couple years and even more clear as each year passed. The bomb dropped in 2018 when we got the diagnosis.. the disease had already progressed quite rapidly. Then in 2019 he had to be hospitalized and once in skilled nursing, he made it to August 2020. We are approaching 4 years since he went to be with the Lord. I continue to look for the scattered pieces of my heart and plead with the Lord to heal and restore it.. will I ever be the same? No.. but maybe the new thing He is doing will be better than I could ever imagine.

Suffering and grief are tools that the Lord uses to do deep work in us. All my dreams are gone, they all included Steve.. all my self reliance is gone.. “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength”. All my pride is being chipped away.. I don’t recognize my life.. so much is gone. But lately I am realizing that nothing that truly matters can be taken from me. I am reminded of an old Keith Green song..

“Turn your eyes upon Jesus and look full in His wonderful face, the things of the world will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and Grace”

I wonder if you remember it? Keith was a prophet who died young and left an amazing legacy of music.. I need to listen to it more often. I want that to be my song for this season.. looking deeply into the heart of God and being changed.. releasing all the things of this world that are distractions.. instead being transformed by the Holy Spirit into His handiwork. Let it be so Lord!

Welcome 2024

So did I finish well? Yes I did, the Lord has been good. Lots of healing and letting go.. in fact it is still continuing into 2024. With God we are never really finished.. He is always working.. showing us new things and drawing us deeper and closer to His heart. I am grateful that I can see movement.. that is really all I look for. Am I responding to His spirit? One indication to me is that the trials get more challenging as He teaches me to trust Him.. I used to think if I was only walking with Him in more obedience it would get easier.. That idea is not in the Bible .. in fact the opposite is true. As God’s people move toward Him, the suffering increases .. the tests are more difficult. Biblically it makes sense that the enemy wants to stop us as he sees us growing in our faith.

At the same time we see God at work in big ways. For me it is so encouraging to see my prayers answered so quickly and to feel a sense of His presence in my every day life.. in a new way.. Intimacy with Jesus is the key to all of this.. inviting Him into everything.. to hear His voice..and to sense His pleasure when I trust Him. Our God is amazing.

So Lord.. my hope is in you as this year unfolds. (I don’t make new years resolutions or anything like that)  guide me day by day and step by step..Give me a grateful heart that recognizes your hand in all that I do and say.. Guard my heart and help me speak the truth in love.

Finishing Well

I chose this title because we are nearing the end of 2023 and I really want to finish well. I define that this way.. I want to be able to accept everything the way it is right now and not continually long for what is gone.. to let go of the past without forgetting it.

I pray about this continually.. praying for healing and restoration. In order to receive that healing it requires letting go of those things which cannot change and being able to live more fully in the present . It is very challenging.. the past holds all the memories of Steve and I..and all the memories of the days when I was younger and stronger. There are many broken dreams that need to stay in the past so I don’t dwell on what is never going to happen here. The Lord is enabling me to to remember without longing for those days to return. He is also helping me let go of my younger self so I can be more present in this older body and accept the changes.

As we approach the end of this year.. I am taking inventory. What am I clinging to that I don’t want to take into 2024.. is there grief and loss that I can live with more easily now? Can I embrace this new beginning that I never wanted or asked for? If not then I will live in continual disappointment.. longing for what is gone. These are the questions that surface for me and that I will be pondering and give to the Lord.

Father.. help me end this year with you.. letting go of the hurtful things in the past.. checking to be sure I don’t have unforgiveness or self pity that I am clinging to. My desire is to embrace this season that I am currently living in.. it is not perfect.. but the past was not either. I want to live fully in this last season of my life.. treasuring the days that are left.. praying for opportunities to use my gifts and my story to help others.. Amen

“Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.“

“I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Here it is again..

This is an older post that I wrote on this day in 2015.. I shared it again the next year on October 9th of 2016.. so here we are 7 years later and Facebook reminded me of it again. I had no idea that this date would hold such significance for me.. Oct 9th 2019 was the day that my husband was moved from Kaiser hospital to a skilled nursing facility.. the place where he would live until he went to be with the Lord on August 30th 2020. Nothing is an accident with God . He knew when I wrote it I would need it more than ever right now as I try to move ahead in my life without my best friend.. The amazing thing is that God is ahead of us and knows exactly what we will need before it happens.

God waits for us..

Year 4.. The story continues

I know.. not a very original title. I just couldn’t think of anything catchy. And it has been 3 years since Steve passed I am once again dealing with grief and loss. This time it is different because it is not only the loss of my husband but also the other losses that have piled up over my lifetime. My story is long and and complicated now and as I meet new people and tell this story, I find they are very interested.. totally makes sense.. Our stories matter so much.

The way we connect with others is by sharing these stories, being willing to open up and share it all.. even the difficult parts. In this 4th year I am not as raw as I have been so when I talk about Steve now .. it feels like he is really gone. That doesn’t mean that I don’t cry anymore.. actually I cry frequently and it feels good to finally be living alone where I can let the tears come freely. The grief has changed.. I am learning to live with it.. still wanting it to be gone, but knowing it will never be over.

I am grateful for the alone time and the quiet place I live so I can remember.. I remember so many wonderful things and I also remember the hard things. It is my season to reconcile all of it.. This takes time and lots of reflection .. it is part of the healing process. The Lord is teaching me so much and because I am not busy.. I can get the lessons more easily..He is guiding through each day, helping me with everything.. it is so reassuring. Since part of grief is confusion, His guidance is priceless.

I am sharing here because some of you know my story and I want to keep you updated on what is happening to me as it a unfolds. One big breakthrough for me is being able to find my comfort in the Lord and not relying on people.. As I let go of wanting to find new friends and just be willing to open my heart to Him when I need something, He brings new people into my life and I can choose if I want to get to know them.. because I don’t need them the way I once did.. He is showing me that He is able to provide for me in all ways.. another lesson I seem to need over and over.

As I live through the next year until year 5 starts there will be highs and lows as usual. Good days and hard days. I will continue to miss Steve as I move forward into this new life that I never wanted and the Lord will bless me in unexpected ways with surprises and showers of blessings.

I will make them and the places surrounding my hill a blessing. I will send down showers in season; there will be showers of blessing... (Ezekiel 34:26)

Bookends

In life there are bookends.. times when something significant happens and then on that same date in another year the same thing happens again that reminds us of the first event. For me yesterday was a bookend day. Four years ago on July 29th there was a family reunion in a local park. I can’t even remember how it all really started but the Lord gave me the idea. Then it began to spread and relatives from all over the country showed up.

My husband was in the advanced stage of dementia but able to still socialize.. especially with all these family members that he loved. It was an amazing time. I didn’t know it at the time but it was a time for everyone to see him, many of them for the last time and a time for him to see so many people that he would never see again on this side. We talked and ate and enjoyed each other’s company. I was so thankful for the big turnout.. knowing that his time was short.

It was only a month later that it became clear that I needed to get him in skilled nursing because I could not care for him any longer.. it wasn’t safe for either of us. This was one of the most difficult decisions I have ever had to make.. but it was the right one. He was admitted to the hospital and they placed him in a facility 10 minutes from me. I visited everyday until Covid hit in March of 2020. I was locked out for two months and then for no reason at all, except the grace of God, they let me back in in May and I had 4 months with him until August 30th when he went to be with the Lord.

So yesterday was a trigger for me.. so many memories.. so many people I may never see again.. it was very difficult. Yet, in His goodness, the Lord brought my daughter in law and two of my grandkids to this area and I was able to spend some time with them and my daughter.. it was a bookend ..not planned but a gift from God.

I am so grateful for those moments when I know the Lord remembers me.. when it is clear that even if everyone else has forgotten, He has not. His faithfulness is what is getting me through all the changes of the last few years.. His goodness is what I learn on when the grief hits and I am sad and lonely. .. Losing someone who is your spouse and your best friend.. so difficult and a journey you take alone. The grief continues and it takes a very long time to learn to live with. You don’t get over it and you can’t control it..

So in your life, you may see these bookends appear if you look for them and they can help you realize how much God loves you and remembers all the details of your life..you are not alone or forgotten.

“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

The Lord is my Shepherd

I just read a wonderful post by One for Israel , an amazing ministry that I follow. The post was an explanation of the true meaning of Psalm 23.. using the meaning of the Hebrew words.

I personally love that Psalm. I began memorizing it years ago when I sensed the need to have it easily available. Memorizing is not my strong suit, but somehow I knew it was important to have the words of this psalm in my heart. I was right. It all began when my husband started showing signs of dementia and I needed to cling to God in a way that I had never done before. I would recite those beautiful words as I lay in bed at night over and over until I could finally sleep.

Here I am many years later.. Steve is with the Lord and it will be 3 years on August 30th. The 23rd psalm is my lifeline to the goodness of God.. It is very deep and so promising. I hope you will take the time to read this article so you too can fall back on it in those very difficult times we all face.

You can read the article on my Facebook page.

https://www.facebook.com/aliciasroses

Praying the Lord speaks to your heart today and encourages you as you embrace the words of this psalm and the deeper meaning.

love,

Alicia

Post Covid Reflections

I thought I would follow up from the last post I re- blogged. I was also re reading part of my book..the one I have been writing for so long.. Now I am committed to finishing it. I have a section on grief and loss with some thoughts on the whole Covid ordeal and the aftermath.

So.. yes I know Covid is still with us.. but for the most part we are in the next season, the one where the immediate danger is over but at the same time the effects of the pandemic are really not over. Our culture is not the same and we are changed. There was so much fear for so long it is impossible to just turn the page and suddenly be back in 2019 before the plague hit. Many people walk around with masks and others just let you know in other ways.. ” don’t get too close.” As for me, I went through both the pandemic and the death of my husband in 2020 and I am still grieving and attempting to come out of isolation. It is difficult, the world seems to be so much darker and there is a sadness that surrounds us.

Of course, that is to be expected, we lost many things during the last 3 years.. things that cannot be recovered.. people were locked out of hospitals where their loved ones died. Funerals and memorials could not be in person. Graduations had to be on Zoom.. jobs were lost, families were broken, so many losses.. we are in a season of deep grief.. even if the media refuse to deal with it.

There are many people who are depressed and anxious and they don’t even know why.. they are afraid and worried . Yes, the world is a different place.. we live on the edge of our seats wondering what might happen next.. We long to feel safe again.

My life turned upside down in an upside down world and I know it will never be the way it was before Covid and before my husband died.. My feeling of security was totally shaken.

So where do I find my security and how do I feel safe? The only place I know that feels safe and secure is in the arms of the Lord.. just crying out to Him and being real.. not trying to be “fine” but knowing He is carrying me as I continue on this road of grief and loss.. believing He is with me and seeing Him answer so many prayers.. counting the blessings of each day and trusting Him for the new things He is doing even if I can’t see them right now.

I am writing about this to encourage you.. if you are having a difficult time and if the world is scary and sad, that is normal for this time in history.. have grace for yourself as you process all that has happened. He is at work in your life and will carry you into the uncertain future. Be kind to yourself.. find ways to nurture yourself as your heal and be patient. He is with you!

Two suicides.. one week

Alicia's Roses

What happened this week? Two celebrities that many people admired and believed in are gone. Both of them took their own lives and left behind young daughters. It is profoundly sad and tragic. As I think through this horrible loss, I realize once again how little we know about people and the pain they carry inside. These people did not just decide in one day to take their own lives.. there is history here. More than likely they were struggling with depression and despair for years before this happened. Anxiety and depression are at epidemic proportions in our country and possibly around the world. We live in a broken world and it is so easy to feel overwhelmed and under water emotionally. When someone in the public eye decides to take their own life.. it causes widespread grief to spread throughout the culture and the world. Why? We never saw…

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