I woke up thinking about this journey and how hard it is.. my usual morning thoughts. I knew Steve was going to die and I tried to prepare myself for the day when I would lose him. Of course that is impossible. We cannot be prepared for the death of someone we love no matter how hard we may try.. once they are gone the waves of grief sweep over us and we can only hang on and wait for the next one.
He is gone..yes I know where he is.. but that does not always help. I thought of the wall that divides us from our loved ones once they move out of this world. It is so hard.. we know they are there, but we cannot see over that wall or climb over it or see through it.. It feels like they are within our reach but that wall stands in the way..
I try to talk with him and tell him things.. wondering if he can hear me .. trying desperately to imagine that he is able to know what is happening to me. My heart aches to hear his voice and at times I hear it in my head.. telling me not to worry or be fearful.. reminding me that I can continue without him.. it helps and it doesn’t. I want to tear down that veil and run into his arms.. to tell him that I love him and that I miss him.. my heart breaks into a million pieces.. I gather them up and keep going.
This is grief my friends.. it is real and it is hard and we were never created to be able to endure it alone. I am so thankful for my friends and family .. for those who support me and help me keep his memory alive. I am most thankful for the Lord.. the God who carries me through each day.. even the days when I tell Him I hate Him and all He does is wait patiently so He can love me again.. He picks me up off the floor and tells me to rest.. to let him restore me.. to let Him bring healing to me in the midst of the darkness.. He is with me and for me and I know this.. I can run from Him but there is no where to go.. I try to blame Him but I know that this death is a result of our broken world and not punishment from Him.. He is good.
He has Steve now ..He loved him so much that He rescued him .. he is reunited with those who went before him.. released from the suffering and the pain.. safely home.
“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
Alicia's Roses 
So well written, expressing the acute exquisite pain of grief. You, unfailingly, end with your faith in the goodness of our God. Our understanding of God’s ways is limited, yet He continues to call us deeper into His heart. We are a blessed people.
Thank you Nancy..His goodness is the only unchanging thing in life..we can rely on that ..love you.
Thank you for your willingness to be so transparent. Steve was a wonderful man. May God’s comfort give you strength in this difficult season.
Thanks.Merrill..my hope is that my words will help someone else who may need to know that their grief journey is shared by others and that the Lord is will carry them as He has been doing for me.. xo
I cried while reading this. So much truth in your words as well. Thanks.
Thank you Katie for taking the time to comment. I pray that my pain will minister to others and that God will be at work in their lives.. We were not created for death but He will bring good from it like He promised.. Blessings, Alicia