Tag Archive | death

Hospice

 

 

Yes.. they stepped into our lives last week.. at my request. Steve is declining rapidly. He can still walk around and eat and he tries to communicate. Most of it does not make sense. He is only partially here.. he is also very tired and weak and unfortunately a fall risk.

How do I feel? Very sad.. relieved that he will get extra help..ready but not ready.. accepting but not accepting all of this. It all happened too fast.. only 7 months ago we were taking our last walk on Drake’s beach.. now he can barely function. Today I talked with him and told him that I would be fine when he went to be with the Lord.. a lie that is necessary.. I hope he understood. I reminded him that he would see his parents and sister there.. He responded positively but it is difficult to know if he truly grasped what I was saying.. My selfish desires to hang on to him are finally gone.. he will be restored there and out of this life where his body and mind are both failing.

I am sharing this because I need to.. it becomes more real when I write about it and it is a very real part of our lives.. learning to let go and saying goodbye when their time is getting close. I sense the Lord being close to me but I am sad and lonely and afraid of the future. There are times when I just want to close my eyes and wake up to the life I have lost.. my husband, our home .. most of our belongings.. all gone..

So.. I continue to believe that God is good even though I don’t know if right now I can rely on Romans 8:28 to be true.. It always has been but nothing has challenged my faith like this trial.. I know I am not forsaken and not abandoned but the nights are long and the tears continue to flow ..

So.. I have opened my heart to those of you who read this.. I am not hiding and I am hoping it encourages you to be authentic and real and allow others into your pain. We were not created to suffer alone and I am so grateful for the family and friends that continue to support me and let me lean on them as this long trial unfolds.

He is faithful and He is good.. He will never forsake us and leave us to face all these things alone. His ways are not ours.. His thoughts are not ours.. We see through a glass darkly..trusting Him to reveal more in His time.

Help me to cling to you Lord..on this last leg of Steve’s journey .. to remember that you knew all this was going to happen before time began..

Christ be with me, Christ within me,
Christ behind me, Christ before me,
Christ beside me, Christ to win me,
Christ to comfort and restore me.
Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ in quiet, Christ in danger,
Christ in hearts of all that love me,
Christ in mouth of friend and stranger.

A year ago

Last spring I wrote about my mom and how she suffered a femur fracture that changed everything for her and for me. It is hard to believe that a year has passed..she is still with us..unable to walk..and in a wheelchair..almost blind. I grapple with all the feelings that her life triggers in me. I don’t want to end up like her..my own mortality is always before me..the aging process is more real than it ever was. I wonder how long she will hang on.

We don’t face death in our culture..we avoid it and we run from it. We act like it won’t happen to us or to anyone we love..and then it does. No one can escape the inevitability of it all. We were not created  to embrace it..it is terribly painful and our hearts break..we never get used to the idea of it..we are all afraid..even if we live in denial. I’m sure that Mom is afraid but she won’t talk about it..it is still too hard..even at 89. As for me..I’ve been close to it many times..no, I am not used to it either. The only thing that stands between me and all that fear of the unknown is the certainty of God. I won’t be alone..He will be with me..and with you and with my mom.

Are you afraid? Is your heart weighed down by things that you cannot control? Is someone close to you suffering? Are you? I don’t have all the answers for you..no one does. Our hope has to be in the sovereignty of our God.. In His goodness..His amazing faithfulness..His life in us..His promises and His grace. He is reaching out to us and promising to take us all the way to the end of our lives here and into the new place He has prepared for us.

“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”