I’ve been thinking about sharing more of my life on this blog..it is the internet and that makes it difficult for me, but at the same time I have hinted at the struggles I’ve gone through for the last few years and it seems like time to open up. Five years ago my Dad died and I was left with the responsibility of my mother. She is blind in one eye and has advanced glaucoma in the other. Dad was her caretaker.
She moved out of their apartment into assisted living.. that had to happen instantly..there were many other things that had to be handled as well. It was a huge adjustment for her.. she was married to my Dad for 63 years and was 85 when he died. She turned 90 last November and is almost blind and in a wheelchair . She fell several times over the last 5 years and broke one leg in so many places.. it is basically a bionic leg now and not one she can use. This has been a stressful season for her and I came alongside her in every way that I could.
I was also busy helping my daughter with her 3 children. The youngest one was born a few months before Dad died. At the same time I had a busy season of counseling..something that God had prepared for me and I needed to take the assignment He gave me. The result was..my grief had to be put on hold.. not something I recommend. There was no real choice.. but it all caught up with me at the beginning of this year.. all the stress and all the unresolved grief. I fell apart emotionally and physically.
So.. now I am grieving..missing my Dad..feeling the loss..crying..crying..crying. My body is releasing the pain little by little. My emotions are coming to the surface..it is intense..but needed. Unresolved grief will destroy the emotional life and eventually the body. God designed us to grieve our losses..and do it thoroughly. Loss is a huge part of life..it cannot be ignored. The grief I experienced as a widow in 1999 was the catalyst for change in my life. I decided to learn everything I could on this topic and eventually become a Pastoral counselor to help people through their grieving process.
Grief is a rich and deep topic ..not one we embrace easily in our culture. Loss is an inevitable part of life.. loss and disappointment go hand in hand and we can’t escape. As I grieve the loss of my Dad.. I am reminded of other losses.. old grief comes to the surface. It is a challenging time, but easier for me because there was much fruit from my first grieving season..that will be true this time. God designed the grieving process and it often results in spiritual growth. I find myself clinging to Him with a greater intensity during this time..realizing my great need for Him in order to survive the pain and sorrow. He comes close reminding me of His faithfulness and His great love for me.
” Jesus wept”