Grieving and living

It has been five weeks since Steve went to be with the Lord and I miss him every single day. Part of me wants him back but another part knows that he is better off where he is and I need to try to begin again. It is very difficult. there are constant reminders of our life together and the continuing empty places I stumble across that can only be filled with his presence.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.. I have so much time alone that I can’t run from my thoughts and feelings.. a mixed blessing.. How do I grieve and still live? A big question when you lose your spouse, best friend and your biggest fan. I don’t know the answer since I am learning how to do this every single day.

There are very sad moments and lonely days. There are difficult nights and early mornings that seem endless. My mind entertains way too many thoughts about the future.. everyone tells me to stay in the present.. that is very hard when the present is so far from what I wish it was.. yet I see the wisdom in that advice.. I also know I need to believe that the future is going to be better than the present..

I had a conversation with someone who seemed to want to convince me that a better future might never come.. that some things never change.. that we need to be prepared to accept the present even if we are unhappy and longing for something more. That conversation was very hard.. it seemed to undermine everything I believe about God.

The God I know is always doing a new thing. He is a God filled with love for His children. He puts desires in our hearts because He wants us to ask for things and then believe that He will come through and answer us. He is the redeemer. He takes what is meant for evil and turns it into something good. His ways are not our ways. He is always for us.. ahead of us, preparing the way for us. This is the God of Romans 8:28.. He takes all things and uses them for good in our lives.. ALL THINGs.. He will do much more than we could ever ask or imagine and we will see His goodness in the land of the living.

He rescues us.. searches for us.. pursues us. His heart is for us and His plans for us are for our good and He will never harm us. My life is proof of this. God is not in a box that we create.. He has more for us than living in our own small sad stories.. There is a larger story and He is the hero of that story.. coming to save and restore us over and over again.

So.. yes I am grieving and sad and lonely.. but God is with me and for me and will surprise me with things that I can’t even dream about right now. He has collected all my tears and He weeps with me.. I trust Him fully and will continue to believe that He is in this season with me and that He will deliver me when it is time.

I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit.  Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong.  And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is.  May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

 Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.

( Ephesians 3: 16-20)

Moving ahead..

So after a couple of weeks or was it months.. or maybe it was actually years of being set aside to work on myself, receive healing, and deal with family issues, God is beginning to show me some possibilities. He is renewing the hope that I can find new opportunities to use the gifts that He has given me to help others.

There are seasons when the future is so invisible and the present is so difficult.. we almost wonder if we are forgotten. Will it always be like this? Am I finished Lord? Will you leave me here forever? Our thoughts are circular and the light at the end of the tunnel seems to be growing dimmer. Those are difficult times..dark times.

Over the last several years I have cried out over and over again for God to change some very trying circumstances that seemed unbearable. He has not done that..it wasn’t the circumstances that needed to change it was me.  In fact as long as I was unable to get away from the painful things that were happening.. He had me right where He wanted me. He was teaching me to walk with Him in a new way. To go deeper in my faith..to become more fully His.

Suddenly I am hearing Him say.. just let go. He doesn’t mean die to your desire or kill your heart..He is saying Trust me..Believe that I am good..Remember what I have done for you..Draw near to me..Rely on me..Seek me..Put all your eggs in the basket with my name on it.. I will never forget you or abandon you.. I am your rescuer.. The love of your soul.

I am so humbled and grateful that He would give me exactly what I need to become the person He created me to be. Amazing isn’t it?

Here’s a word from Paul:

“We don’t want you in the dark, friends, about how hard it was when all this came down on us in Asia province. It was so bad we didn’t think we were going to make it. We felt like we’d been sent to death row, that it was all over for us. As it turned out, it was the best thing that could have happened. Instead of trusting in our own strength or wits to get out of it, we were forced to trust God totally—not a bad idea since he’s the God who raises the dead! And he did it, rescued us from certain doom. And he’ll do it again, rescuing us as many times as we need rescuing.”

The Rescuer

The older I get the more I realize that God is the rescuer. For those of us who have soft hearts this can be a difficult concept to fully embrace. We see people in pain and we want to help them..it seems so right.. doesn’t it? We know things that will help them and we may be able to see their path so clearly. Shouldn’t we do everything we can to make sure they are OK? Well..there is no easy answer to that question.

I’ve been learning a few lessons in this area lately. My good desire to help others sometimes does the opposite. God is at work and His ways are not mine. When I see people suffering I want to help them ..it’s a gut reaction. They are suffering for a reason..this may be their season to learn some important lessons. The most important one is the same for all of us..God is with us. When we are hurting there is a greater chance we will  see our need for Him and reach out for those everlasting arms.

Our world is focused on relieving pain. So many things are available..drugs and alcohol are the most obvious. We also escape in less obvious ways..busyness..television..the internet..shopping..the list is long. Pain is there for a reason..God is not the author of pain..but He is the one that can rescue us and those we love. He waits for us to reach out to Him and to need Him desperately.

 All of this does not mean that I don’t believe in helping others..I work as a counselor.. I see the need for human helpers. But ultimately I need to remember that God is the one who will deliver, rescue, and heal. All we can do is point the way..pray and keep believing that He is going to come through for others in the same way He has for us!

 The Lord says ” I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name. When they call on me. I will answer; I will be with them in trouble.”