I wonder if anyone will be reading this today.. it is such a busy time of the year.. Maybe I am writing this just for me and that’s OK too. This has been a long year for me and the most difficult year of my life.. the end is in sight and sometime in the first week in January I will be moving again.. I moved three months ago and that was very traumatic.. I pray everyday that the Lord will help me make another transition and that His Grace will sustain me.
Life is so unpredictable.. the future is so unclear and that is really for everyone not just me. We never know what will happen next to turn our lives inside out or upside down.. life is so fragile but we try not to think about that. It is so easy to get comfortable and to forget that this life can change in a moment. I am not writing this to upset anyone.. after all it is Christmas Eve and isn’t it a time to celebrate? For some of us that is exactly what will be happening but for others.. including myself, it is a lonely night and a sad night because people we love are missing from our lives and no one can take their place. I am going to visit my husband in skilled nursing today and he will not understand that it is Christmas Eve or that I am lonely because we no longer live together and he is ill. Maybe that is for the best.. but he will be very glad to see me as he is every day and he will tell me that he loves me as he does every time.. even though he has lost much of his ability to remember and to speak clearly he still has his whole heart and the spirit of God is still working through him.. I am so grateful.
I feel very vulnerable sharing this with you.. but somehow my blog seems like the place to express the real things in my life.. something I probably need to do right now. So this is a hard day for me.. a hard season.. a hard year. Next week I will have another birthday and remember that 18 years ago on my birthday my husband asked me to marry him. He is still the love of my life and will always be.. I am thankful for all these years.. even the current ones that have been so challenging. I have learned to treasure the moments because I don’t know how many more I will have.. I have discovered that this life is fleeting and we never know when it will end or when someone we love might get sick or die.. It is out of our hands..
Probably the biggest gift of this season is the way I able to see the Lord caring for me and guiding my steps as I stumble along. He makes himself known in many different ways each day. He works through His people to encourage and love me.. He is truly Emmanuel.. GOD WITH US! It is not just a name… it is who He is..
I need him every minute of every day just to continue to have hope and to believe that He will bring good out of this tragedy.. there is no other way to survive. So the name Emmanuel has become real to me this year and I am thankful.
My prayer for you is that you encounter the Lord in this season.. that the things of this world will disappear as you come close to Him.. in your brokenness.. in your grief and sadness.. Christmas is a time to be real with Him to allow Him to become more real to you.. We live in dark times and there are so many things that steal our joy and hope in this dark world.. We need Him more than ever.. He is our sanctuary, our peace and our hope.
If there is one word that continues to haunt me these days.. it is hope. I think for the first time that I can remember as a Believer.. I am struggling to have hope. The world seems like such a mess.. as I write this, fires are still burning in Northern California.. and that is our home. We smelled the smoke and looked at the pictures of homes burning, people dying and there was nothing we could do to stop it. It is heart breaking to see the suffering that is all around us.. the mass slaughter in Las Vegas.. just a week earlier. What is happening Lord? Everything seems to be out of control and there is so much suffering.. In my personal life there have been challenges on a level I have never encountered.. emotional and physical trials..
So as I process all of this.. the word HOPE emerges. We cannot live without it, but it does not come from our circumstances or our surroundings. Our hope .. my hope.. can only be found in the Lord. He is with us and He is unchanging and we are living in a fallen world.. a dark world. All of these tragedies teach us that this world is not going to provide us with security or be our refuge .. it is an unstable place and we are not safe here. I believe that God is taking us deeper.. to a place where our faith truly rests on His goodness. Often that happens when everything else fails.. when all our dreams are broken..when we no longer believe that anything here can save or protect us. The world gets excited when people come together and accomplish good things.. and of course that is encouraging.. but not enough to sustain us through the long years of recovery.. through the grieving process. Once the headlines are gone.. and we go back to our “normal” lives.. there are people who cannot do that and we may forget about them because their pain is not public.. time to pray for them.. to remember them.. because it could have been us.
I am grateful for my life.. grateful that so far we have a roof over our heads .. grateful for the way I see people reaching out to help others.. but what I am the most grateful for is my relationship with the Lord.. for the knowledge that He loves me and is with me no matter what happens next.. He is my safe place and my refuge in the storm.. He is good and we can trust Him when nothing makes sense and when our next trial starts.. Our faithful loving God.. we are blessed.
Hebrews 6:18 in the Message says:
We who have run for our very lives to God have every reason to grab the promised hope with both hands and never let go. It’s an unbreakable spiritual lifeline, reaching past all appearances right to the very presence of God where Jesus, running on ahead of us, has taken up his permanent post as high priest for us..
This morning I saw a picture of what life has been like lately and I wanted to share it with you. Life has been like being at sea in the middle of a storm. Like all storms, there are moments when the sea is still and moments when the waves threaten to rise up and sink the boat..and everyone on it. This image reminds me of the story in the Bible where Jesus calls Peter to walk on the water.
We all have times when we have to keep our focus.. no matter how threatening our circumstances become. The key for us is the same as it was for Peter.. Keep your eyes on the Lord and don’t be afraid. It is critical that we continue to look to Him even when the giant waves come down and break over our heads. On the calm days when the storm seems to be still..we need to breathe and thank Him for His goodness and for the reprieve.
He is our stability in the storm.. our rock and the one who is in control.. the storms cannot happen without His permission and He knows when it is time for it to move past us and time to restore the still waters. Remember the end of this passage? Jesus reached out his hand to Peter and together they climbed into the boat! Then those in the boat worshiped Him.
Lord.. you are the one who reaches for us as we lose faith and begin to fall. Our eyes are on you as you steady us and bring us safely into the boat. We need you Lord and we worship you..
If you’ve been reading my blog.. you know that my passion in life is to see God bring healing to His people. As a counselor.. there is nothing more important to me than being a part of this deep work that He is doing through the Holy Spirit. For the last year I’ve been in a season of grief and healing..yes the two often go together. When we grieve God has an opportunity to go deep into our hearts and bring up things that we might never look at under other circumstances. I would go so far as to say that without grief, the healing really isn’t complete.
When God opens a wound from the past.. there are emotions that become jarred loose and we find ourselves face to face with our losses. Every life is full of them. The older we get, the more losses we experience..it is inevitable. I have some very deep wounds from the 25 years I spent in an abusive marriage. When it was over, 14 years ago, I began to grieve and unravel my past. Recently God has been excavating some remaining emotions from that time.
He is going deep into the recesses of my heart and pulling out old memories and the feelings that are connected to them. It is a painful process and even more so since so much of it is happening in the middle of the night. I imagine because it is a time when I am quiet and not busy with life. So I am sleep deprived but looking forward to the fruit that is going to come from this season of healing. As I work with my counseling clients.. I am constantly reminded by the Lord that I am only His instrument and their healing comes from His hand.
“The wounded healer is a phenomenon that occurs between the healer and the one receiving the healing. Psychologist Carl Jung used the phrase to describe experiences in the relationship between the counselor and their patient, where the counselor would examine themselves and experience depths of their own pain, in order to probe, understand, and heal the pain of their patient. Jung expressed that the experience was entirely necessary to the healing process, as well as warned of its many dangers.”
Jesus is our wounded healer..the one who enables us to become the same for those He brings into our path.
Remember when Jesus talked with the Samaritan woman at the well? I’m sure you know that passage in the gospel of John. He is at the well with this woman and he asks her for a drink of water. She’s surprised by his question since the Jews did not associate with Samaritans. He is not bothered by that and continues to speak with her. He captures her attention and offers her something much better than a cup of water. He says to her “If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water.”
I love this scene. Living water is such a rich image. Our hearts hunger for more.. just as hers did. She was tired of her life and her mistakes and her emptiness and He offered her the water of life. He spoke to her with love and compassion.. pouring the balm of Gilead on her wounds. Our God offers us this same living water.. He longs to fill us to overflowing. He meets us in our dry season with a fresh glass of that living water. He has a pitcher that is always full and if we need to drink and drink and drink.. He will provide all that we need.
All we can do is come to that fountain of life with empty cups and admit our need. To fall down in a heap and cry out for relief. He waits to meet us.. to saturate our souls with the real thing that comes straight from His heart to our weary soul. Fill us up Lord, we need you.
Jesus said, “Everyone who drinks this water will get thirsty again and again. Anyone who drinks the water I give will never thirst—not ever. The water I give will be an artesian spring within, gushing fountains of endless life.”
It’s really the bigger picture. Since I am a big picture person, my heart longs for this. I’m always looking for patterns and signs that more is going on than what meets the eye. God never fails to give me what I am longing for. He is more than willing to expand our vision..to reveal things that we could never see without Him.
A key for me is being alone and being quiet. Sometimes I wake up at night and suddenly I see a situation in a new way. God is always looking for those windows in our lives that will allow Him to communicate truth to us. Our world is addicted to activity..God is not. If you look at the gospels, Jesus often found solitary places away from the crowds..time to receive from His Father. He modeled something important for us..something very counter-cultural.
The Holy Spirit speaks to our hearts in a quiet voice..it doesn’t take much to miss it. At the same time He is eager to reach us..it doesn’t take much to receive from Him. Setting aside time.. with no agenda..no preconceived ideas.. an open heart..a quiet place..a willingness to wait. Try this on a regular basis and you will be surprised at how much bigger the story gets. It is an antidote to worry and anxiety. Our small stories are often filled with fear and unhappy endings. His story is filled with good desires, hope, promises, and an amazing ending!
“With many stories like these, he presented his message to them, fitting the stories to their experience and maturity. He was never without a story when he spoke. When he was alone with his disciples, he went over everything, sorting out the tangles, untying the knots.”
That is what God has been saying to me..not in a harsh way..but in a firm way. Stay where you are and face the circumstances that you are in. Stop wishing everything would change. It seems that He knows exactly why I am in these particular circumstances and He is using them to shape me..to strengthen me..to prepare me..to make me more like Him.
My reaction to stressful times is the desire to escape..to dream of flying away to a tropical paradise where there is no pressure and no responsibility. I started dreaming about escaping as a child.. when I was unhappy at home. There were real reasons for my unhappiness..but no one told me that God was with me..so I struggled to make sense of the things that happened. Everything is different now.
I no longer live in that home..I love my life. That doesn’t mean there aren’t challenges. Relationships are messy.. we are all complicated and each one of us has baggage. It takes courage to stay in the game..it would be easier to withdraw..to become monks..to spend all our time alone with God. That is not His plan or His way. When Jesus was here.. on earth..He spent most of his time with people..hurting people. He did take time away to recharge..we need this to. Then He returned to those who needed His touch.
The message for me is very simple..keep going..realize that the very things we face everyday are there for a purpose and a reason. God is not punishing us..abandoning us, or forgetting us. He is with us…teaching us..molding us, and caring for us.
” Those who trust in the Lord will find new strength..they will soar on wings like eagles!”