Almost 11 years !

It was 11 years ago that I started this blog. In the beginning I really didn’t know what a blog was and I had no idea how to start one or how to keep it going. I was on Facebook and felt frustrated because I wanted to express more of myself than I could there. So.. I started this blog. Throughout the years I often wondered if I should quit.. just leave it up but never add to it. I decided to keep going and to write one more post.. and then another one and then another one.. and here we are today.

Maintaining this blog is like living life.. we take one step and then another and another and here we are. I write because I hope that what I share helps others and that my vulnerability helps people open up to their true feelings and struggles. I don’t get much feedback but that’s OK.. it is something that the Lord has called me to do and I really enjoy the process and the comments:)

My last post was a few weeks ago and I feel like I have been moving forward quite a bit since I posted on February 1st. I am still grieving , of course. It has been almost 6 months since Steve went to be with the Lord.. sometimes it seems like years and sometimes it seems like minutes. The grief comes and it goes. I know it will always be like that but I am learning to live in this season with hope. So many things happened at once for me that I was literally reeling for months.. trying to understand what happened and hoping to get insights into why. Well.. I know what happened.. I lost everything almost at once but I don’t know why. What I do know is that I can survive without any explanations. God is not going to reveal to me the reasons for taking Steve and that makes sense to me now. He is the Lord and He gives and takes away..

My challenge is to keep living and believing that there are purposes for me without him.. not easy. As I spend time alone these days.. the fear is less.. the loneliness is less.. that is a huge gift. I miss sharing my life with Steve.. I won’t get over that.. but I am learning to live with it.. believing that God is the redeemer. So each day I take steps like I did when I started this blog.. one blog post at a time and one step at a time. One day I will look back and realize I made it to 1 year.. then to 5 years and maybe 10 if I am still here. God will carry me into the future even though it looks like a blank slate. He wrote the story of my life and He will unfold it page by page as He has always done. My job is to trust Him and to know that He is good.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.

More on longing..

Everything I am reading this week seems to direct me back to the word “longing.” It reminds me of my childhood and the deep desire I had for God. He was not acknowledged in my home but I knew He was real. The culture was different..more people openly acknowledged God in a way that has disappeared. This only deepened my longing for Him. I never heard the gospel and had no idea how to connect with this God, but my heart was being drawn by movies, music, and Christmas trees, something was happening that I could never quite understand.

He was pursuing me and I was longing for Him..looking back I can see how He planted seeds in my heart throughout the 29 years without Him. Finally we were introduced and I was free to live life fully knowing He loved me and wanted this connection as much as I did. Over 30 years have passed since that time and I still long for more of Him. Advent may be the season of longing, but our entire lives can be filled with that same desire..that same sense of anticipation.. as we live knowing that He is with us and His kingdom is here now.

We cannot see Him, but His fingerprints are unmistakable. As we look back we see how He has appeared over and over again in our lives..there are rescues, interventions, and miracles we experience in our daily lives. We need eyes that see, ears that hear, and hearts that remember.

My prayer for you is that this season increases your desire to grow closer to Him.. to see His mighty hand at work in our world. We all need that hope that only He can give. Let’s ask Him to help us live in the “already” and the “not yet”..to embrace this season as He prepares us more fully for the next. Our hope is in Him as we wait for all those things that He has prepared for us.. both in this world and the next.

“I long, yes, I faint with longing to enter the courts of the Lord. With my whole being, body and soul, I will shout joyfully to the living God.”

 

 

Church

I recently commented on the Her.meneutics blog. The post was on the church. A very hot topic. One that brings out the preachiness in certain people. Are we really experts on what God intends church to be? I know that I’m not. The comments on this post were both interesting and confusing. What was church intended to be in the beginning? What has it become? A very weighty topic if you ask me.

I’ve had my share of church disappointments and as a counselor I hear stories that I wish I could erase from my mind. Many people have been disappointed and wounded in church situations. This includes those in the congregation and leaders.. no one escapes. Our culture is intense and the problems we face in the 21st century are huge. No church can meet the needs of all the people.. all the time. A few issues come to mind.. people have been abused, molested, manipulated, abandoned,deceived, over-worked, ignored, addicted, used, ruined, deprived..the list could go on and on.

No.. church is not going to be everything we want it to be. We may not find our best friends in church, our pastor may not be the one who should counsel us.. our bible study group may not be the place to share our deepest needs. Our church community is just that.. a community that meets together to acknowledge our relationship with God.

God is the center and He is the one who can lead us to other resources when we need them. He is the one who has a plan for our lives and directs our steps. He will never fail us. He is our closest friend and our counselor. He accepts us fully and embraces us in our weakness. Our faith in Him will take us through our darkest hours and our deepest valleys.

God, my shepherd! I don’t need a thing.
   You have bedded me down in lush meadows,
      you find me quiet pools to drink from.
   True to your word,
      you let me catch my breath
      and send me in the right direction. 

  Even when the way goes through
      Death Valley,
   I’m not afraid
      when you walk at my side.
   Your trusty shepherd’s crook
      makes me feel secure. 

  You serve me a six-course dinner
      right in front of my enemies.
   You revive my drooping head;
      my cup brims with blessing. 

  Your beauty and love chase after me
      every day of my life.
   I’m back home in the house of God
      for the rest of my life.