It was 11 years ago that I started this blog. In the beginning I really didn’t know what a blog was and I had no idea how to start one or how to keep it going. I was on Facebook and felt frustrated because I wanted to express more of myself than I could there. So.. I started this blog. Throughout the years I often wondered if I should quit.. just leave it up but never add to it. I decided to keep going and to write one more post.. and then another one and then another one.. and here we are today.
Maintaining this blog is like living life.. we take one step and then another and another and here we are. I write because I hope that what I share helps others and that my vulnerability helps people open up to their true feelings and struggles. I don’t get much feedback but that’s OK.. it is something that the Lord has called me to do and I really enjoy the process and the comments:)
My last post was a few weeks ago and I feel like I have been moving forward quite a bit since I posted on February 1st. I am still grieving , of course. It has been almost 6 months since Steve went to be with the Lord.. sometimes it seems like years and sometimes it seems like minutes. The grief comes and it goes. I know it will always be like that but I am learning to live in this season with hope. So many things happened at once for me that I was literally reeling for months.. trying to understand what happened and hoping to get insights into why. Well.. I know what happened.. I lost everything almost at once but I don’t know why. What I do know is that I can survive without any explanations. God is not going to reveal to me the reasons for taking Steve and that makes sense to me now. He is the Lord and He gives and takes away..
My challenge is to keep living and believing that there are purposes for me without him.. not easy. As I spend time alone these days.. the fear is less.. the loneliness is less.. that is a huge gift. I miss sharing my life with Steve.. I won’t get over that.. but I am learning to live with it.. believing that God is the redeemer. So each day I take steps like I did when I started this blog.. one blog post at a time and one step at a time. One day I will look back and realize I made it to 1 year.. then to 5 years and maybe 10 if I am still here. God will carry me into the future even though it looks like a blank slate. He wrote the story of my life and He will unfold it page by page as He has always done. My job is to trust Him and to know that He is good.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
So after a couple of weeks or was it months.. or maybe it was actually years of being set aside to work on myself, receive healing, and deal with family issues, God is beginning to show me some possibilities. He is renewing the hope that I can find new opportunities to use the gifts that He has given me to help others.
There are seasons when the future is so invisible and the present is so difficult.. we almost wonder if we are forgotten. Will it always be like this? Am I finished Lord? Will you leave me here forever? Our thoughts are circular and the light at the end of the tunnel seems to be growing dimmer. Those are difficult times..dark times.
Over the last several years I have cried out over and over again for God to change some very trying circumstances that seemed unbearable. He has not done that..it wasn’t the circumstances that needed to change it was me. In fact as long as I was unable to get away from the painful things that were happening.. He had me right where He wanted me. He was teaching me to walk with Him in a new way. To go deeper in my faith..to become more fully His.
Suddenly I am hearing Him say.. just let go. He doesn’t mean die to your desire or kill your heart..He is saying Trust me..Believe that I am good..Remember what I have done for you..Draw near to me..Rely on me..Seek me..Put all your eggs in the basket with my name on it.. I will never forget you or abandon you.. I am your rescuer.. The love of your soul.
I am so humbled and grateful that He would give me exactly what I need to become the person He created me to be. Amazing isn’t it?
Here’s a word from Paul:
“We don’t want you in the dark, friends, about how hard it was when all this came down on us in Asia province. It was so bad we didn’t think we were going to make it. We felt like we’d been sent to death row, that it was all over for us. As it turned out, it was the best thing that could have happened. Instead of trusting in our own strength or wits to get out of it, we were forced to trust God totally—not a bad idea since he’s the God who raises the dead! And he did it, rescued us from certain doom. And he’ll do it again, rescuing us as many times as we need rescuing.”
I’m wearing a t-shirt from that company. I love how it makes me feel. Three simple words that seem to change things when you read them. Optimism..we need it. We need reminders every day that life is worth living..that God is with us.. and that we are not just going through the motions.
It’s interesting that a company could make a whole line of clothing with a simple message that puts a smile on our faces. We all love the feeling that life is meant to be enjoyed. God gave us life because He delights in us. Yes.. I know life can be challenging and there is suffering..I am no stranger to those things. So how do we keep our focus on the fact that life is good? It is a gift..from God. A good God that created us because of His great love..that breathes life into us every single day..that provides for us..comforts us..lavishes His grace on us. Yes..that God!
” Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. “