May Roses

One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple.Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.…to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.

Give to the Lord the glory he deserves!
    Bring your offering and come into his presence.
Worship the Lord in all his holy splendor.

Hearing His Voice

Does God speak to us? Yes..He is always speaking and revealing new things to us. Learning to hear His voice and follow His leading has been the focus of my life for the last 35 years. What better way to live than to follow Him and receive all the things He has intended for our lives. The living God who created the universe has a unique path for each of us.

Do you doubt that? I believe we all do. One of the things that has helped me is to look back on my life. If I look carefully I can see the way one thing led to another. I can see how the pieces of my life fit together like an amazing puzzle. One piece by itself does not make sense.. but put them all together and you have a picture of God’s faithfulness.

Another practice that encourages me.. is to look around my home. In every room and on every wall are gifts from God. We purchased a few things, but most of it was given to us..God’s abundance is so visible. I am very visual and love beauty..God knows that ..we have views from every window in our condo. Nothing is an accident or coincidence.. it is all part of the story that God has written for my life.

I encourage you to begin to look for the places in your life where God is speaking to you..revealing His goodness. He wants you to know that you are the apple of His eye and that He loves you more than you can ever imagine. His arms are open wide.. longing to embrace you and fill you with everything you need to continue.

He is speaking.. listen.. it is the still small voice that only says wonderful things to you!

“See! I have not forgotten you..I have carved you on the palm of my hand.”

Another Mother’s Day

Can you believe it? Today is May 11th and Mother’s Day is just around the corner. This year I am celebrating it with my mom on Sunday and with my daughter on Monday. For the first time ever.. I have peace in my heart about this holiday. God has done some deep healing between my mother and I over the last few months. Our relationship has changed and I have changed.. she has changed too!

Keep in mind that my Mom is 90 and I am ..well.. I am a grandmother. It is never too late..all things are possible with God. After a lifetime of confusion, disappointment, anger, and sorrow..things are good between us. We can talk about things and share our hearts.. honestly and openly. We are very different, but in some ways we are similar. Her  physical deterioration and isolation seem to have done something deep inside her heart..God is reaching her..and He is reaching me in new ways.

Our mothers have a great role to play in our lives..some do it well and others do it poorly.. no one does it perfectly. Our mothers are human. They are learning and growing as their children grow up and it never stops. My own daughter has been a mother for almost 10 years and I see the way she is changing through the process of raising her children. She is a far better mother than I was. She is dedicated to her children and it is obvious they are thriving. I thank God for the way He redeems everything.

Happy Mother’s Day! May God bless you as you continue to seek Him.

“Jesus looked at them intently and said, “Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But with God everything is possible.”

Rejoice in the Lord

He is faithful to pursue us.. even in our darkest hour. He is our rescuer. His love seeks us out.. just waiting to pour the balm of Gilead on our wounds. His presence surrounds us..pouring itself over each and every empty space in our hearts. His life grows in us despite our unbelief and doubt. Miraculously He changes us into His image as we draw near.. with all of our flaws and brokenness. Our God..the one who is faithful in all things at all times. He takes my breath away.. surprising me with His goodness!

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!”

Living through grief..

The last two months have been incredibly difficult. Today I found myself reading up on grief again. I have a library of grief books..a collection I began 12 years ago when I was widowed and yet I am so immersed in grief that I fail to realize what is happening. That’s how it works..it is so intense..you feel as though you are going crazy.

My emotions are up and down. There are days when  I feel like I am normal and the next day I am crying, sleepless, and depressed. The sadness is overwhelming and the loneliness is unbearable. Grieving takes enormous energy..not the time to have insomnia..but that is my body’s response. Some people seem to sleep through their grief..but probably not most of us. Grief is emotional and physical..it is draining and unbearable at times.

So why doesn’t God do away with it? I don’t have the answer..but I know the grief process is part of life..that He allows it and encourages us to embrace it. For me..grief causes me to cling as tightly to Him as I can.. there is really nowhere else to go. How do you explain to family or friends a condition that you barely understand?

Right now I am grieving the loss of my family of origin.. my Dad (who died), my Mom who is 90  and could go at anytime..as well facing a lifetime of estrangement from my only sibling. It is incredibly difficult to let go of all the people who knew you as a child.. All of but one of my older relatives are gone and I am not very close to their remaining children. My past is passing away..

Part of me is dying with it. It is an opportunity for God to do something new in me and I am praying that I can grieve fully and deeply.. enabling Him to bring good fruit from this season of my life. If you are grieving, don’t hide it. We live in a culture where grief is rarely acknowledged..most people outlive their parents, but few books are written on this topic. I find that very strange. We deny the seriousness of the grieving seasons.. yet life is full of these times. Loss is an inevitable part of life in this fallen world.

Many people experience deep depression because they have failed to grieve their losses..it takes a toll on us. We also experience grief when we anticipate a death.. watching someone fade away physically or mentally. This is a surprise to some people..I have been in this state for 5 years with my Mom..no closure..only waiting and wondering. My hospice counselor calls it a marathon..the long good-bye.

All we can do is face the truth and ask God for courage..He is with us and He came to heal our broken hearts. It helps to remember.. He was one of us.

“You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy”

 

True Love

The love that God has for us is “true love.” We often refer to it as unconditional love. But do we really know how to receive it?  Growing up in a family where there were unspoken conditions and God’s love was never mentioned.. I have struggled to embrace this love that He offers. Without realizing how deep it has gone, I have always performed for Him.

In some way.. I am re-creating the same dynamics that existed in my childhood. My parents were very successful, both held doctorates and earned quite a bit of money. They were intelligent intellectuals.. thinkers. I was not and knew I could never be what they were. So.. I was the “perfect” daughter.. the one that excelled in school and tried never to bring them any pain.

Once I began to follow God and nurture a relationship with Him, the same pattern emerged. I worked in ministry, tried to be a perfect mom and wife, keep the house just right and basically performed for Him. The ministry experiences were messy and so was our home. I married an addict and was far from the perfect Mom.

God’s love was such a mystery to me.. I think deep down I felt that I had to keep performing or He would soon give up on me. I raised the bar higher and higher until I almost collapsed..

God has me in a healing season..helping me to receive the “true love” that only He can deliver. I can’t  perform the way I once did.. I am beginning to realize that this is a blessing for me. I know now that I may never “do” some of the things I dreamed I would do. God is OK with that.. in fact He is behind that whole idea. I can almost hear Him saying ” I love you with an everlasting love.. I created you and my love for you is not based on anything you ever say or do” 

“God told them, “I’ve never quit loving you and never will.
   Expect love, love, and more love!”

Where heaven touches the earth..

These pictures remind me of God.. God reaching down and touching us with His handiwork..He is an artist.. He creates a beautiful world so He can take our breath away. His creation is a place for us..a mini-retreat for us.. open the front door and take a look. The sky is so blue..the grass is so green.. the sounds of birds are everywhere. The flowers are beginning to bloom. Spring is here and He is doing His redemptive work in our lives and in this fallen world.

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!”